Kiss

When my heat was sucked out by the coldest night,
her warmth radiated into my skin.
And under one billion stars
and the sky waiting to rain,
her lips met with mine...
softly between those little sweet pecks.
It felt like my neurons were turning into a galaxy,
burning too bright and my heart collapsing into this single touch
of her lips on mine.
My hands were tangled in her delicate palms,
while her lips made love with my soul.

Pain

'Nothing' never felt this distinct.
I'm succumbing to this numbness.
I feel fragile and so desperate,
I'm melting little by little.
The tears burn the corner of eyes.
I'm frightened of my heart.
It's treacherous lethargy.
Will I die?
Will i live?
Will everything be alright this second.
Or will it hurt always.

Side effects of loving.

Living 2 decades and two months in this world, the little big thing I learned through heart was about love. Yes, love is everything that makes the world move besides all the angular momentum and other science stuff.
but boy, love is one hell of complex thing.
I say love as love, the love that bonds everyone. The love that breaks and mends your heart. After all these years I am now at a certain phase which gives me anxiety issues to love a person. As I said in some of my previous posts, life is all about moments and moments are all about people. It was never about 'things'.
And people leave.
Every single time, you meet people and place them in your hearts and suddenly the UFO of life is here to suck them off to somewhere. Its really hard. I am acquainted to all blah blahs of life-is-like-that, you-have-to-accept-it, its-a-fact-duh, everyone-feels-akin, etc.
But my heart can't deal it.
Already I'm the kind of person who gets attached to a few people and guess what, everybody had left me. I did not mean leaving as dying or going away for forever. Leaving as fading from the bond I had with them and it was never intentional. The flow of life hit us hard and we could not swim back to each other. Memories are all that remain
and they kiss, crush and kill me.

so speaking about side effects of loving, the number one thing is you should always remember the unwritten statutory warning,
"Love is injurious to heart".

• Love is never easy.
• People leave.
• Nothing is permanent.
• Memories hurt.
• The solitude can make you crazy.
• (Not loving anyone can also make you crazy)
• You will watch yourselves doom in sadness and feel helpless.
• you will loathe everything about time.
• Time traveling becomes your favorite super power.  
• Missing people is super sad and hard to survive.

You may indulge yourself in arts and literature and i don't know if it is always a side effect.

Writing poems helps me to get over sadness at times.

"I know life goes on, but this is not fair.

is this?"

-Poor fragile helpless heart.

An indelible ride.

 

Sombre clouds obscured the sky, my mildly color blind eyes could see the blues confluent into the cinerous gargantuan entity. It started raining faintly. We were going to Krishnendhu 's home and the loony kichu herself,me and our buddy Anna were jaunting on my aunt's scooty. I was driving and they were trying their best to hold on. Monsoon made 6.15 pm look darker.

Greenish lush of paddy fields lined by greenery of country trees at the mete, the water that flow from the fields crossing the dark roads, little insects humming on the air in between the roads which would get struck in my eyes sometimes when I am careless, the zephyr that caresses my face once in while reminding me that the rain is arriving.

This place was my home and I was acquainted to these roads for 2 decades, but now everything feels beautifully novel and refreshing. The falling souvenirs from sky had washed off everything to make it look invigorating.

In love with the rainy days.💚

Her

"I love her so much,
it hurts."

I was never that person who picks up and maintain contacts with the people I've been with few minutes or more. I'm friendly but barely a bestie-stuff.
Then a day came when I was so stuck at this place that you can hate as well as love,
a place you want to leave as soon as possible, but you know you'll miss it.

And I met her.
(We knew each other by our Moms already.
 See!! I was stuck here just to meet her.)

She was nobody special at first, when the days went,
I knew inside her tough skin she was such a sweetheart who loathed to be known as sweet.

And I fell in love with her dance one day.
Then with her art.

Each day we got closer and closer. We were funny, goofy, crazy and the even better fact was that we had the same allies and foes! I really love her.

She is my best friend,
MY SISTER, but not by blood.

and I always felt like she would root for me at all hard times and she never failed me.

Time is always the villain.
We are about to part.
It's a farewell time.

But this person, she is my love, my starstuff
 and just like that starship's song we love,
"Nothing's gonna stop us now."

but,

I stopped trusting the future so much.

I'll miss her.
I never want to let her go.
My heart will be broken,

She was the best ever person of my life.

"And I love her so much,
it hurts..."

Roller coaster.

Tired of this game.

Tired of knowing and accepting.

The callous feeling that lever leaves,

is swallowing my heart as a whole.

Life was never better literally,

it was this dark room,

that can be only lit by lights

and not with sunshine.

And the pain has its ways,

of chewing,bitting,crushing..

and chocking, supressing, killing..

and never letting go.

some days are cruelly fictional,

a happiness that wanes,

a love that would fade.

I'll be at the top of the ride.

This damn roller coaster,

and I've stopped screaming.

It won't stop soon.

I know.

I should jump.

The vishu from my childhood.

For those who doesn't know what Vishu is,

Vishu is the Hindu new year festival celebrated by people of Kerala(India), which comes on the 'medam' month of the malayalam calendar(April 14th). The day of Vishu is initiated with the prosperous 'Vishu kani', the first thing to be seen in the early morning, in which the enriched fruits, vegetables,money and gold are kept along with the God Krishna. It's for the rest of the year to be like the Vishu kani; prosperous and blessed by the God. Then there will be 'Vishu kaineetam' , when all the elders present the younger ones with little amounts of money. Then at noon, there will be a delicious feast called 'Vishu sadhya'. Totally the Vishu day is supposed to jinx the rest of the year with its prosperity.

Vishu was the best part of my childhood. When I'm writing this down, just the day before Vishu I feel nostalgic about my childhood but more than that I'm deeply saddened by the fact about how time had changed this beautiful festival into a dull and spiritless one. I wonder about the irrefutable huge loss for today's children.
I know they don't even know what they are missing.
So I'm electronically documenting the warmth of those days for the future and the present and for the childhood I miss so badly.

When the school closes after the horrible annual exams by the end of March, I usually dump all the books in a corner and get rid of the school vibes initially, chanting to myself,
"I'm a Freeman finally."

Fantasizing about the cool things to do in the 65 days of summer vacation, the first thing that come across my mind is enquiring about the arrival of my cousins. Although I've 5 cousins and my brother sticking around for the entire vacation, the partner in crime trio includes my best cousin Manikuttan, my brother Akhil and myself. In those best days I was like 10 years old where as Mani was 10.5 years old. Akhil was 4 years younger than us, so we consider ourselves as his intellectually superior bosses. Mani, who is the younger son of my Aunt is settled at Chennai. My grandmother used to say that we were besties since toddlerhood. Well, he will roll eyes at this comment now but still he is my best brother.

For kids Vishu is mainly about fire crackers. It's double the excitement for us because on the Vishu day, in our particular region alone there is a festival by the Lord Krishna temple. It's called vishuvela. We'll get to buy awesome toys with our kaineetam money from the festival.
Anyway, the first step of fun with firecrackers begins with buying cape guns and cape bombs. Cape is like this small explosive roll of paper commonly red in color, it is about 10 cm long and includes 15 shots. There are round peices with single shot of these cape rolls available for throw bombs. The bench mark of a well spent vacation with cape guns is having atleast 2 of them broken. We each used to get a box of caperolls with a 100 of them in number inside. There are little round peices of cape rolls specially made for throw bombs. We would divide ourselves into different teams and play as gangsters. It was so much fun, even the hottest afternoons of the garish summer didn't seem to bother us.


We would wander all day in cycles keeping the guns inside our pockets pretending to be invincible.
The next thing was paambu gulika which meant Snake pills, it's just black pill like firecracker which vaguely forms into a black snake like figure. Amma used to chastise me for making black marks on the courtyard with snake pills.

After two weeks of fun, there comes wonderful night of April 13th, when we buy the firecrackers for the Vishu morning. It's like the most awaited moment of the whole scenario, we would be so much excited when my dad takes us to a temporary shop set up just for the Vishu season. There will be safest and the favorite of the children, old people and couch potatoes firecracker which is called as kambithiri. Then there are the beautiful fire pots, fire wheels, the chain crackers, country's favorite crackers made of palm leaves called ola padakkam, little round bombs, brand crackers such as Lakshmi bombs, butterfly crackers, awesome rocket crackers, colourful Chinese crackers boxes, etc.
The night's sky would be bright with the colors of rockets and Chinese crackers with strong random ticking like sounds in the sky. The faint smell of explosives in the air. Courtyards of neighborhoods brightening up in the light of kambithiris and fire pots. Truly a magical time.


We would sleep early to wake early in the Vishu morning.

The elders would be busy on making the Vishu kani as it's the first thing that should seen on the Vishu morning. I remember that I was so sleepless due to euphoria of everything that will be happening on the next day and I would desperately wish the time to pass soon and let it be the morning soon.

Morning, around 5 o'clock Amma and acha would wake us with love by closing our eyes gently with their hands so that we don't accidentally open our eyes. They will walk us to the pooja room where the Vishu kani lies. From the aroma of the Jasmine flowers and the vishu's own flowers of golden shower tree, I could easily feel the diminishing distance to Vishu kani. When the palms slowly move apart, I could forever remember how my heart fills with lots of feelings I can't put into words. I would feel the warmth of divinity hugged by the unconditional love of my dad and mom.
The next 2 hours would be pure madness. Crazily happy with the fire crackers. When it's over, I could totally feel the weight of an entire year vanished into a new beginning.

Amma would begin her usual, go and bath soon. Go to the temple atleast today!!

Then it's the kaineetam time. I would count the collection a hundred times, the new crispy currency in the little Mickey mouse wallet. Still fresh in my memory.

We would chill out till evening having the delicious sadhya with the special dessert payasam. The Vishu special movies would be played on the television channels and we would decide the movies to watch before 3 days itself. I used to constantly get mad on the long ads In between the movies.

The poothan of poothan and thira

Vishu is also the time for a cultural art form called poothanum thirayum which consists of about 5 people. 2 persons play the music while the poothan and 2 thiras play their art form. Another art form is the puppet show based on stories from Ramayana or Mahabharata which will be played on special stage in the middle of vast paddy fields called as koothumadam. 

koothumaadam

Before the play or koothu begins there will be fireworks. When the fireworks start people would come from all over the villages. But what I love about this is, the person who makes the fireworks called kathinas does his work in front of my home every year. So we kids get a chance to watch him making kathinas all day long. We would ask him all kinds of stupid questions.

The evening of Vishu day was fully on festive mode. There will be music, elephants, big color full panthal and lots of small toy shops. Me and Manikuttan were really crazy about laser lights those days. So we bought a set that contains a red laser light and 12 different tops which projects different figures. It was so much fun to watch the red dot traveling amazing distances.
Just like that the Vishu day will be over. The next morning I would wake up with a heavy heart. Time would go swiftly and again there comes the time for farewells. Cousins would be leaving to their places and I would be like so heartbroken for days.
I could never imagine a Vishu like today on those days. It's feels all dull and lame now. Everybody is busy with their lives, most of my cousins are working now. So they don't get many holidays and moreover Vishu is not that important for anyone now. Childhood was the thing that made everything feel better. I don't know if today's children love Vishu like I did or do they even have any festivals fun enough to love and remember forever! I don't know.

I'll have these memories with me until I die. I'll miss them too.

A vishu sky of 2014

Wishing everyone out there a very happy Vishu!