Time Capsule

 In a small sack weaved with dreams,

I kept our songs,
Which sung about you and I
And all we had.
Then the words,
The long and the short ones,

Those rose with the sun,
And slept with the moon.
I kept the best souvenirs,
One of your smiles,
And the warmth of your hand.
Lastly, I kept our love,
tied up the sack tight,
and buried it.

Then to mark the place,
I ripped my heart,
And placed above it.

An indelible ride.

 

Sombre clouds obscured the sky, my mildly color blind eyes could see the blues confluent into the cinerous gargantuan entity. It started raining faintly. We were going to Krishnendhu 's home and the loony kichu herself,me and our buddy Anna were jaunting on my aunt's scooty. I was driving and they were trying their best to hold on. Monsoon made 6.15 pm look darker.

Greenish lush of paddy fields lined by greenery of country trees at the mete, the water that flow from the fields crossing the dark roads, little insects humming on the air in between the roads which would get struck in my eyes sometimes when I am careless, the zephyr that caresses my face once in while reminding me that the rain is arriving.

This place was my home and I was acquainted to these roads for 2 decades, but now everything feels beautifully novel and refreshing. The falling souvenirs from sky had washed off everything to make it look invigorating.

In love with the rainy days.💚

Her

"I love her so much,
it hurts."

I was never that person who picks up and maintain contacts with the people I've been with few minutes or more. I'm friendly but barely a bestie-stuff.
Then a day came when I was so stuck at this place that you can hate as well as love,
a place you want to leave as soon as possible, but you know you'll miss it.

And I met her.
(We knew each other by our Moms already.
 See!! I was stuck here just to meet her.)

She was nobody special at first, when the days went,
I knew inside her tough skin she was such a sweetheart who loathed to be known as sweet.

And I fell in love with her dance one day.
Then with her art.

Each day we got closer and closer. We were funny, goofy, crazy and the even better fact was that we had the same allies and foes! I really love her.

She is my best friend,
MY SISTER, but not by blood.

and I always felt like she would root for me at all hard times and she never failed me.

Time is always the villain.
We are about to part.
It's a farewell time.

But this person, she is my love, my starstuff
 and just like that starship's song we love,
"Nothing's gonna stop us now."

but,

I stopped trusting the future so much.

I'll miss her.
I never want to let her go.
My heart will be broken,

She was the best ever person of my life.

"And I love her so much,
it hurts..."

The vishu from my childhood.

For those who doesn't know what Vishu is,

Vishu is the Hindu new year festival celebrated by people of Kerala(India), which comes on the 'medam' month of the malayalam calendar(April 14th). The day of Vishu is initiated with the prosperous 'Vishu kani', the first thing to be seen in the early morning, in which the enriched fruits, vegetables,money and gold are kept along with the God Krishna. It's for the rest of the year to be like the Vishu kani; prosperous and blessed by the God. Then there will be 'Vishu kaineetam' , when all the elders present the younger ones with little amounts of money. Then at noon, there will be a delicious feast called 'Vishu sadhya'. Totally the Vishu day is supposed to jinx the rest of the year with its prosperity.

Vishu was the best part of my childhood. When I'm writing this down, just the day before Vishu I feel nostalgic about my childhood but more than that I'm deeply saddened by the fact about how time had changed this beautiful festival into a dull and spiritless one. I wonder about the irrefutable huge loss for today's children.
I know they don't even know what they are missing.
So I'm electronically documenting the warmth of those days for the future and the present and for the childhood I miss so badly.

When the school closes after the horrible annual exams by the end of March, I usually dump all the books in a corner and get rid of the school vibes initially, chanting to myself,
"I'm a Freeman finally."

Fantasizing about the cool things to do in the 65 days of summer vacation, the first thing that come across my mind is enquiring about the arrival of my cousins. Although I've 5 cousins and my brother sticking around for the entire vacation, the partner in crime trio includes my best cousin Manikuttan, my brother Akhil and myself. In those best days I was like 10 years old where as Mani was 10.5 years old. Akhil was 4 years younger than us, so we consider ourselves as his intellectually superior bosses. Mani, who is the younger son of my Aunt is settled at Chennai. My grandmother used to say that we were besties since toddlerhood. Well, he will roll eyes at this comment now but still he is my best brother.

For kids Vishu is mainly about fire crackers. It's double the excitement for us because on the Vishu day, in our particular region alone there is a festival by the Lord Krishna temple. It's called vishuvela. We'll get to buy awesome toys with our kaineetam money from the festival.
Anyway, the first step of fun with firecrackers begins with buying cape guns and cape bombs. Cape is like this small explosive roll of paper commonly red in color, it is about 10 cm long and includes 15 shots. There are round peices with single shot of these cape rolls available for throw bombs. The bench mark of a well spent vacation with cape guns is having atleast 2 of them broken. We each used to get a box of caperolls with a 100 of them in number inside. There are little round peices of cape rolls specially made for throw bombs. We would divide ourselves into different teams and play as gangsters. It was so much fun, even the hottest afternoons of the garish summer didn't seem to bother us.


We would wander all day in cycles keeping the guns inside our pockets pretending to be invincible.
The next thing was paambu gulika which meant Snake pills, it's just black pill like firecracker which vaguely forms into a black snake like figure. Amma used to chastise me for making black marks on the courtyard with snake pills.

After two weeks of fun, there comes wonderful night of April 13th, when we buy the firecrackers for the Vishu morning. It's like the most awaited moment of the whole scenario, we would be so much excited when my dad takes us to a temporary shop set up just for the Vishu season. There will be safest and the favorite of the children, old people and couch potatoes firecracker which is called as kambithiri. Then there are the beautiful fire pots, fire wheels, the chain crackers, country's favorite crackers made of palm leaves called ola padakkam, little round bombs, brand crackers such as Lakshmi bombs, butterfly crackers, awesome rocket crackers, colourful Chinese crackers boxes, etc.
The night's sky would be bright with the colors of rockets and Chinese crackers with strong random ticking like sounds in the sky. The faint smell of explosives in the air. Courtyards of neighborhoods brightening up in the light of kambithiris and fire pots. Truly a magical time.


We would sleep early to wake early in the Vishu morning.

The elders would be busy on making the Vishu kani as it's the first thing that should seen on the Vishu morning. I remember that I was so sleepless due to euphoria of everything that will be happening on the next day and I would desperately wish the time to pass soon and let it be the morning soon.

Morning, around 5 o'clock Amma and acha would wake us with love by closing our eyes gently with their hands so that we don't accidentally open our eyes. They will walk us to the pooja room where the Vishu kani lies. From the aroma of the Jasmine flowers and the vishu's own flowers of golden shower tree, I could easily feel the diminishing distance to Vishu kani. When the palms slowly move apart, I could forever remember how my heart fills with lots of feelings I can't put into words. I would feel the warmth of divinity hugged by the unconditional love of my dad and mom.
The next 2 hours would be pure madness. Crazily happy with the fire crackers. When it's over, I could totally feel the weight of an entire year vanished into a new beginning.

Amma would begin her usual, go and bath soon. Go to the temple atleast today!!

Then it's the kaineetam time. I would count the collection a hundred times, the new crispy currency in the little Mickey mouse wallet. Still fresh in my memory.

We would chill out till evening having the delicious sadhya with the special dessert payasam. The Vishu special movies would be played on the television channels and we would decide the movies to watch before 3 days itself. I used to constantly get mad on the long ads In between the movies.

The poothan of poothan and thira

Vishu is also the time for a cultural art form called poothanum thirayum which consists of about 5 people. 2 persons play the music while the poothan and 2 thiras play their art form. Another art form is the puppet show based on stories from Ramayana or Mahabharata which will be played on special stage in the middle of vast paddy fields called as koothumadam. 

koothumaadam

Before the play or koothu begins there will be fireworks. When the fireworks start people would come from all over the villages. But what I love about this is, the person who makes the fireworks called kathinas does his work in front of my home every year. So we kids get a chance to watch him making kathinas all day long. We would ask him all kinds of stupid questions.

The evening of Vishu day was fully on festive mode. There will be music, elephants, big color full panthal and lots of small toy shops. Me and Manikuttan were really crazy about laser lights those days. So we bought a set that contains a red laser light and 12 different tops which projects different figures. It was so much fun to watch the red dot traveling amazing distances.
Just like that the Vishu day will be over. The next morning I would wake up with a heavy heart. Time would go swiftly and again there comes the time for farewells. Cousins would be leaving to their places and I would be like so heartbroken for days.
I could never imagine a Vishu like today on those days. It's feels all dull and lame now. Everybody is busy with their lives, most of my cousins are working now. So they don't get many holidays and moreover Vishu is not that important for anyone now. Childhood was the thing that made everything feel better. I don't know if today's children love Vishu like I did or do they even have any festivals fun enough to love and remember forever! I don't know.

I'll have these memories with me until I die. I'll miss them too.

A vishu sky of 2014

Wishing everyone out there a very happy Vishu!

The Delphic beauty.

The time was around 11.05pm and one more day was falling into the chart of lame and fruitless days. Shabnam begun humming and eventually inviting my attention to the lyrics of 'Titanium'. The music transcended and pushed my mind into a beautiful chaotic space of memories as in the pensieve of Dumbledore. Music always had that peculiar magic to let people dissolve into various memories and emotions, and i'd always wanted to write about how it felt. But writing about my favorite singers and music would be tediously long as music was an inextricable part of my life since childhood, although i'm a terrible singer.

When a tune meets its perfect lyrics just like that girl who meets her love who was long gone for war, it creates an inarticulatable field of beauty, love, longing and memories.

Miley Cyrus's 'Butterfly fly away' was the beginning of my love towards music. I was 12 and it was kind of the first downloaded music in my life.

"Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream,
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry hold in tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away"

 Later on, songs from many amazing singers had captured my heart. 'Fine Frenzy' was the singer whom I felt like I discovered. 'Almost lover' and 'grasses' are still my favorites. It is so magnificent, the way Allison Sudol brings the nature into her songs. Some songs take the role of different milestones of life. Those particular songs remind me of various years of my timeline. The time,space and all the vibes hit me when the song plays. Purely enigmatic!

Once in awhile, I come across few authors who depict the influence of music in their works (Stephenie Mayor's 'The Host', Stephen Chbosky's 'The perks of being a wallflower', etc). 
Some songs do whisper directly into the soul, like Fleurie's 'Hurts like hell'. Some songs tell beautiful tales like Ed Sheeran's 'Wake me up', Lukas Graham's '7 Years', Katy perry's 'The one that got away', etc.

At times songs find us through movies,books and people.Few soundtracks like Amanda Seyfried's 'little house' from Dear John, Karen O's 'the moon song' from Her, Benjamin Britten's 'cuckoo's song' from Moonrise Kingdom, the original soundtrack from 'room', etc. They are so beautiful and reminds me of the movies.

Recently I came across a post on Facebook which said "People who sends you music are very important." Such special people who matches with your music are actually impossible to let go.Every time when that particular song plays, something about the person who sent the music articulates with us. I was fortunate enough to fall in love with Gnash, the passenger, John Legend and West life through such amazing people.

One day, I came across a video on YouTube by vlogbrothers in which a young  singer talked about how it felt when her art was finally exposed to the world. Her words were truly poignant as I've always felt, art was that thing which induces humanity, What makes us human.
Music had always moved hearts and it will keep on doing that till the end of time.

"Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost"

-Avicii, wake me up.

Leaving people.(and the people who left me in the journey)

"Let me make the songs for the people,
Songs for the old and young;
Songs to stir like a battle-cry
Wherever they are sung. "
  -Francis Ellen Watkins

In our arts and life, we had always successfully turned time,space and materials into antagonists. Actually it is the people who 'builds' and 'breaks' everything. The worst of them are the so called leaving people which includes intentional and unintentional departure.

At the very special unfortunate moments we meet some amazing people. Then they will stamp the pieces of their hearts into ours and will make the most poignant stuff called memories. Abruptly, one day they are not supposed to be in our lives anymore. Then it's the farewell time, our hearts will be broken and so many short lived promises like even
-the-people-at-space-maintain-contacts-why-wouldnt-us. For awhile the relationship will be kept, but it's the most hurting and helpless version of the best times we had together. And it's dead. What remains are the memories.

Nothing in the world can bring back everything to that perfect space. And honestly I've no idea how to stop this, as it's a global phenomenon that people meets to part. Sometimes I feel like I should stop getting attached to people.

Little things that can be done are, hold those people tighter. Make endless memories. And when they leave give them a smile warmed by your tears.
Say "Thank you for everything,pal."
                                          

    

It hurts

It hurts.

Sun was garish and the ground burned,
But summer was the coolest,
You were all there,
We grew up together.
And I wanted to ruin the clock.
To stop the time.
And one day we'd grown up.
And moved away forever.
When the childhood ended,
Felt like I'd already lived my life.

It hurts.
We met, we said our names,
Days went and we knew more,
And then we cried laughing,
Teased and had the fun.
Stood for each other,
All said when we parted,
"we'll always remember."
Now I've many contact names.
And I'm one of yours too.
Remembering.

It hurts.
Hide and seek was fun
And the story games we played.
All holidays were festive,
I'd wanted to join Hogwarts,
To become a vampire,
And a shaolin soccer.
Stayed awake at 3 Am,
Finishing the book series.
Now I like to stare at screens.
And to sleep.

It hurts.
I wanted to bring a change.
Was a popping confetti.
In love with all the colors,
Movies, books and music.
Wanted to write.
Had to bring out the story,
I raised for years.
Now I have my wings.
The wrong wings and I'm stuck.

It hurts.
I thought we were the perfect two.
Your long texts I longed for,
songs all over my playlist,
Late night fathomless talks.
Our legendary pen and pendent.
But now we're grey.
And I knew I was the Gemini,
You couldn't have.
I was still in my worlds,
You doesn't like to visit.

It hurts that everything hurts.

Smoked Heart

Everything becomes true and real when it is to it's fullest, whether it be the emotions or deeds. I've never felt any good in limiting the life, though some situations tend to oblige us to do so. The more such situations, the lesser we live. Before 7 weeks from this day, I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. Everything were going so gentle and pleasant, suddenly from the next day onwards the love of obnoxiousness showered on me. I was fitting in to a tougher dilemma, oneday everything turned to a cake and again I was allowed to float freely under the warm and bright sunlight. Then again all of a sudden I was drowned. But this time it's never like before. I let go of many great things things of and for my life. I die everyday of the regrets and gets reformed by the dreams about future. Whatever things I had to let go were unnecessary for my heart, but very much required for everyone around me now and later. But now, I indulged something which was preciously poignant. Everything and everyone else were oblivious. My heart required it, but it's gone. Painfully irrefutable. I'll be resurrected, though everything will live deep inside for it has only made me a much better person.
I'm going through hardest of times.
I haven't read for weeks and written for months. Some kind of rare pain was engulfing my heart. I feel like it is being smoked. Sometimes I don't even get the relevance of breathing. A dangerous lethargy.
Everything will get better.

To live. To breathe.

I watched the movie 'Me before you', just a few seconds ago and fell in love with it. Maybe because I was craving for a emotional vacation as I'm getting pretty much sick of the life presently. Incredible performance from Sam Clafin (and his dimples,of course) and Emilia Clarke. Actually the movie had prompted me to read it's book.Really I desperately want to, now. More than everything I feel depressed and it made me better. Insane thing! But believe me, I feel glad that I felt something, you know, so ardently, it moved my heart. Such a poignant piece of art.
Sometimes to make art influencing and to have a miraculous reach is just by bringing more life into it rather than filling it with fiction and twists and graphics. Just simply, life. I've always been in love with books and movies which showed life, what it is to be alive through each day and how those little and beautiful imprints also the grim ones of each day stitches to our soul. And finally when we leave this wonderful world, that last blink, the things that will stay in heart, those imprints of the past beautiful life. Every time when reading, when the author describes about the most precious and irrefutable events of any character's life in little phrases, it never leaves my mind. I always remember them. I love that speechless moment of life astounding me, whether in an art or really happening. I've always wanted life be so close to me, so close that I can hear my heart beating to myself. That's why I want to write. That's the reason I love art.
It makes me feel alive and sound.

Life and folks. (Mine)

Last year, 2015. About this month I was receiving a farewell. Our warden, sister was finally saying few words for us. I met some of best people in my life there, an that farewell atmosphere was making it hard for us at heart. Sister stood up and  begun like this,
"It's a natural phenomena that we meet to part, and it's the hardest of to go through."

Today, laying peacefully on my bed, staring at the white ceiling and reading the amazing 'The Book Thief', I was contemplating about all the wonderful people I'd met and how much I miss them.

During the high school days, I had many good friends and I was not the girl who always hung around a best friend. I was the one who was seen in a group having fun and joking around. But then, I met Sruthi during the 7th grade. We were pretty close friends from the beginning of 8th grade and she was my first and last best friend. If 'best' is defined by the way we shared our dreams and passions, she laughs at my every single stupid jokes, she was all bright and sunshine at heart, we never fought even once and she understood me more than anyone in the world.
And when the high school was over, we parted. We used to text once in a week and call once in a while. Later, we were all stuck in our own problems and lost contacts and there happened times like we have to vanish from all social networks and to virtually hide ourselves from others seeing that we are heart sick. Now, I was able to know that she is pursuing her dreams of becoming a  director and I am truly happy for her. It's almost 3 years since I've talked to her, but Sruthi is still my best buddy for all the good times we shared.

I had another best person from my family. Vidya. Vidya Chechi (sister) for me, my cousin. She was more than a cousin, she was like a good friend to me. Chechi was all crazy, happy, talented and an intelligent person. She always inspired me by the way she looked at life in an amazing angle she believed that nobody could understand more beautifully, let alone herself. She was an artist, a dancer and a good human. More than everything she was my craziest and funny-as-hell sister. We used to laugh till our stomachs hurt. She is only person in my life who gets me books everytime we meet.
But time and distance breaks us once in a while, she lives at Australia. When we grew up, we both got busy with our life.when we get to meet, we'll be all the same, but I miss her terribly sometimes and it takes about almost 2 years of interval for us to meet. She will be forever amazing the way she is.

Last year, I met another amazing person. Riya. We just had one year together and I've never found someone so similar to me in thoughts and interests. But Riya was more kind, fragile and humane than me. It was sisterhood that bonded us more than friendship, for that she was 2 years younger than me. We had so many craziest and weird dreams like zombie apocalypse and time travelling. We both were fascinated by art, literature and movies and also had the funny bone. I've never laughed like I did on those days, hehe almost choking laughing with watery eyes.
We were so sure that we'll keep in touch always even after leaving there, saying people at space keep in touch with their folks, why wouldn't us!.
There were also few wonderful people like Sameeksha, Nikita, Arlyne, Jisa and Aamiya, I met there. Those were the best times of my life. 
Just as same and sad the life is, Riya was also gone. We were in different countries and busy with college and stuff. Still we text once in a while, but it was nowhere close to those hilarious days we spent before. I can never forget her.

Now at college, I've a best person, a good friend, a sister. Meleeza. Meli Chechi for me. Unlike all the previous persons, Meli Chechi and me are very much different in dreams and interests.
But more than everything what I loved in this world is passion and spirit of life. Loving the way we are and living the way we love.
Meli Chechi was all a crazy, energetic, lovely, badass and funny person. She was a little similar to Vidya Chechi for me, as she loves to dance and is amazing at art. But the thing is Meli Chechi wouldn't mind punching someone in face if he/she annoyed her. Her spirit is contagious sometimes and I always envied and loved the the way she is,so impulsive and impossible. She always understood, supported and inspired me at hard times and made me die laughing at times. Indeed one of the best person of my life.
Next year she'll be finished with college and I don't know how much I'm going to miss her.

I'm really blessed and happy that I'd all these wonderful people in my life.At the same time I also feel grim that I'd to miss them at certain points of life.
I remember this quote,
" we don't meet people by accident,
They come to our lives for a reason. "

Yes, I did meet all of them for a reason. I loved them all and miss them, and I'm glad for all the great times and memories to cherish forever, during all the hard times.
 
People.
We meet. We part. We remember.