Clasp of the hues (A short story)

 Her soft breaths on my face were trapped under the dome of her lazy hair strands that seemed golden with the morning rays of the sun, falling in between. Our hands were tangled and all I could see was her cheeks and corner of thin lips that painted a smile. All that golden aura around, the small black mole on her shoulders and the scent of her skin.

Few years ago

I was mad about sketching buildings that never leave my mind and had to cage them inside the dull amber papers of my notebook. Years ago, when I was drawing the interior parts of the Harrington public library, my eyes were stuck on a girl who sat beside the long Victorian glass window. She was reading the poetry of Neruda. Out of all the charcoal portraits on the walls of my small room, the oldest one is of Pablo Neruda’s and his poems put me to trance. If the color of love was blue, Neruda’s lines about love were the shades of blue I’ve never seen before or could ever forget.

I could not see her face, only a little portion of two fingers that were left behind by the long sleeves of that brown sweater for holding the book. For a second, she lowered the book and our eyes met. I wanted those eyes to remember me and not ignore like a stranger. I turned the page and started drawing. I didn’t have to look multiple times.

 

I quoted,

 “But I love your feet

only because they walked

upon the earth and upon

the wind and upon the waters,

until they found me.”

I walked towards her and kept the paper on the table politely. She raised her face from the book and looked at me. I smiled and slowly walked away. I was thinking about the color of her eyes when it was filled with sunlight. Was it amber? I don’t know, it could be one of the shades I felt while reading Neruda’s poems.

..........

The intermittent noise of the Prussian blue waves, that rises and falls…The sky was somber and heavy like it was holding back the tears with a pounding heart. 

I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with as much air it could take. Standing at the top of the cliff, the cold wind traced the bare skin of my neck. The piece of paper inside my pocket felt foreign to my consciousness. I took it out, the ink was smudged and blots of dried water drops were eminent on them.

The sore on the edge of eyelids made my vision hazy. The swelling of my heart blocked me from breathing the air I was constantly trying to inhale.

I read the words on the paper again.

 

I am sorry. I can't do this anymore.

 

I closed my eyes tight and thought about the way her eyes were filled with sunlight.

Letting the wind conspiring me to join the waves.

 

 

The right swipe (A short story)

 God. When is this Movy going to stop talking about the people she meets on dating
apps incessantly! Every week there is a new soulmate and nationwide lockdown
brought more fishes to these apps than ever. Movy had already found a dozen fishes
who play guitar, love to travel and look like Jesus.

She has been badgering me to join in one of these for ages. I don't know, I was
uncomfortable with it because of it’s uncanny resemblance to online shopping. You look
at the picture, read the descriptions, and add it to the wish list. If only humans were that
blatant, this world would have been a different place.
But then, today after watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind for the hundredth
time, I felt lonely...

So lonely that the thought of not finding my Joel Barish felt terrible. So, I downloaded
this bright yellow app when it was only 30 minutes to midnight.

Padma, 24 years. Interested in men. (Erm, not strictly)
I uploaded a profile picture of myself taken from Kodaikanal with the focus on a fern I
was holding to. There were some questions beneath the display picture to answer and a
bio to update. I thought for a few minutes and wrote, "Wes Anderson. Pablo Neruda. Arundhathi Roy
Lord Huron. Sufjan stevens. Frida Kahlo.Ellen Hopkins.If you fancy at least
three persons from these, swiping right might be interesting."

Whoa! I created a UPSC question lite version for people to just decide the direction to
swipe. Movy would roll her eyes back to the brain seeing this. Okay, now it's time for me
to swipe. Last time when I thought about swiping like this, it got me broke for a month.

There are many good-looking people here or is it just Kuji cam! No idea. I kept ignoring
most of them because I felt they were all out of my league. Yes, my insecurity is well
secured. After swiping for quite a while, I found a person who seemed to be a culinary
professional, in his white apron flipping some food from a pan with scarlet flames
blazing from the stove besides. He was literally glowing. A 25 years old, Charlie Iype.
I checked his pictures and most of them were of the foods he cooked. He had few
candids of him reading at a beach. He cooks. He reads. Play the damn cue music. Mr.
Iype, please be my type with this swipe. Okay, I realize why I am single now.
Anyways, muchas gracias Movy bastardo. All the post-Money Heist- Spanish learning
came to use at this hour.

I swiped right and sent a "Hey!". It was 12 AM already. Should I stop this drama and
resume watching Narcos or should I wait for this chef guy to reply? Maybe I'll wait for a
few minutes. I started swiping again and secretly wished all the suggestions to exhaust.
One of the bios was "If you are bad, I am your dad". Ugh. It must be really crowded on
the left side of the village.

Suddenly a new chime made me notice that I got a reply.

 It is a hey with ":)". Perfecto!
So far, the hope bar of Ms. Menon is staying at roaring heights.
Hell, now it is my turn to send something. What shall I send? Come on. It is not a big
deal. Send something, but what is cool, catchy, and not creepy?

Oh no! He sent me a random question, which is a feature of this app that reveals
answers only when both parties answer it. He asked me what my current favorite song
was. 

I typed in, "Take me back to the night we met" by Lord Huron and pressed sent.

Man, I was being honest but right now I have second thoughts. Will he think that I typed
that deliberately? Whatever, calm down Patma. I felt excited to know his favorite song
and I wished for it to be none of Lord Huron's or Sufjan's. I might have a trust issue
then, which is nonsense. I checked his answer and it was Jacob Bank's Caroline.

Wow. It sure is a beautiful song.

The moment was broken by loud late-night rain. Monsoons of Kerala are usually
outrageous romantics. I lowered the speed of the fan and replied that it was a beautiful
song. Then we started bantering about the usual awkward starting lines with strangers
and then about movies.

One hour past midnight and we were talking about Sci-fi movies and poetry. I
wondered why he is not talking about food. Then came the text,

“Where is your home town in Kerala?
(If I may ask)”
“I am from Calicut. And you? (If I may ask)”
“Oh, that’s great because I am from Calicut too.”
Amazing. Now I get it why you love cooking.
“Cool. Though I suck at cooking, I am really proud of our culture of feasting for all the
small joys.”
“True. How delightful! :D “

The typed emojis make me have hots for Mr.Iype. Yes, that’s crazy but when was the
last time I met a person who does not sabotage the passion of communication with all
emojis and stickers!

“Have you watched the movie, Julie & Julia?”
“Yes. I love it. It is really amazing how a biography unwinds through a different person
while giving focus to both characters, it was really inspiring.”

I searched for a Charlie Iype from Calicut on Facebook and I found him easily. I sent a
request to carry over this conversation to the messenger. The app restricted the
conversation time to 24 hours and I felt that is definitely not enough. (:D)

“Glad you sent me a friend request. :))”

The chatter of the rain got lighter. I closed this app and opened Facebook. We have a
mutual friend that I didn’t notice before. It was my first cousin Vyka. She was 6 years
younger than me and went to the same school as Charlie. Then I saw his date of birth…
Charlie was born on 2001. He was just 19 years old and the worst, He went to school
with my sister. Probably classmates. This is weird. Things suddenly got uncomfortable.
My own brother is just 19. God. This is frustrating. I couldn’t understand why he updated
a false age in his profile.
Am I a cougar now? Whoa, lady that’s some exaggeration.
But, does age matter? I mean, Priyanka and Nick were...Shut up. Shut. Up. Don't be that lame. 

He is Vyka’s classmate.
This is absurd.
76 minutes past midnight and I uninstalled the dating app.
Ding.
I got a messenger notification and it is from Charlie. What should I say?
“Hey there!”
...
“I am sorry Charlie. My sister knows you.
I am a bit uncomfortable about this.
No hard feelings. You are really a great guy.
It was a pleasure knowing you.”
“Okay.”
...
“Why does it matter?
We connected pretty fast.”
...
“Sorry. It is okay. No problem.”
...
2.30 AM, I was so tired, guilty and wide awake.
Did I rush into a decision?
Maybe swiping is not that great in any scenario.

Hours passed and I woke up at 11 in the morning. I called Movy and said I had joined
the dating app yesterday and she didn’t let me finish the rest. Not a surprise. She
screamed in excitement and told me about 2 Jesus looking guys she met recently.
When I finally got the gap, I told her everything.

“Shit. That sucks.”
Yes. It did.

Two more days passed and it was again a Sunday with no glory. I woke up and made
tea. It was still raining lightly. I didn’t know which was more concentrated with lethargy,
my heart, or the atmosphere. Sipping the tea, I checked Instagram. Vyka has updated a
story, probably a ‘happy birthday King/queen’. I touched on the circle and it was
something she shared from Iypical underscore charlie.

The thumbnail seemed like he was singing. I played it and he was singing “Take me
back to the night we met” with a caption ‘Midnight musings’. The dim lighting looked so
aesthetic; his features looked like they were on a fresh clay sculpture. A small delta like
flatness on the tip of his nose, subtle small curls of his hair suggesting a due hair cut
and his wide eyes singing along.
And Charlie sings, really well.

I replied to her story with a clap emoji and she responded to it after few minutes,
“I know right! He was my senior at school.”

I sent a follow request to Charlie. I can’t stop thinking about this guy and nothing else
matters.
Within a couple of minutes Charlie accepted it and requested to follow me back.
Happily, approved. Then he texted,

“Hey there, patmaforpresident! :D”
Erm. I know that is a lame Instagram handle name, but it is irresistibly compelling.
“Heyy!”
“I uninstalled the app that night”
“Me too. It was my first and the last time on it.”
“May I know why?”
“You already know.”
“:)”
“<3”

(Random rant)

 Aren't we all like those slimes in the "satisfactory" videos we randomly come across on our feeds. We are born delicate and fragile, but then we are kneaded in pain. Different kinds of pain in various levels of saturation, finely getting blended to each molecule, just like the dyes for a slime. They change us, the hues, the form, the delicacy and we continue being versatile to it. 

We do not have control over the kneader, but the exception is on satisfaction. Sometimes the pain inflicted upon us is not deliberate or evictable and the kneader is tormented as well.

An ode to uncertainty

Hanging all the tenses in a string,

I know you were certain,

About playing a game with it,

Swaying it to life or death.

Gleaning the black and white dots,

You built the noise slowly,

And my brain fell for it,

Blurry and buzzing gnarly.

You held me from the beginning,

And would not carry me to the end.

'Cause you slice right in the middle,

And leave me in the throes.

You never chase me down,

'cause this race never ends.

Though,I would run from you,

And get lost in direction.

Tighten the string for once,

Don't let the nooses give up,

So shall I see,

Heaven or hell for sure.

What's this moment called.

"Night in the sky"Uploaded by SuwaNyaske

When you stare at my soul, With your fathomless eyes, The glint of love burns on them, Like concentrated flames. The vigorous collision of hearts, Sending waves all over. All my trails lead me to you, Like a million magnets... And I could only see you.
Is this a transgression? Or did you conspire this?

Days without you.

You left on a night, in pain, almost too strong that you couldn't see or hear anything lucidly. I lingered around in your room, roamed around, not knowing what to say or do to stop your suffering. I cried when nobody was watching, I didn't want anyone to feel weak, weak like me. At some point, I gave up and started sobbing and I hated not being able to speak to you. I looked at you and fondled your pale forehead and said in a fragile quivering voice that you were going to be alright. Nothing in the world was more painful than watching you suffer. I was frightened.

Then you were taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I watched you through the long windows. You were nearly passed out but rambling something in pain. When the vehicle moved slowly, I prayed to God that please don't let this be the last time I could see you. But as always, my prayers were in vain.

I went home and prayed and wailed and sobbed under the shower, begging for a miracle. Nothing worked and I lost you in a week. Just like that. You shined upon me like the bright sun and someone turned that off mercilessly.

Now, it's been 2 months.

I keep myself busy indulging in things I was never good at, but no matter what, not a day passes without thinking about you. I want to scream at nothing but mostly I don't know what to do. I miss you and I want and don't want it to stop. All the memories etched on my heart, your voice, your smile, and the love. The love.
If only I could go back to April 13th.
Without my voice trembling, my heart shattering into one million pieces,
I would hold you tightly.
I would lie down beside you.
And that's enough.
That's enough.

A piece of my heart has been cut off, but like a phantom limb, the love and longing are hurting me.

A life changing choice and few other things

Ever since the lockdown began, I was thinking about spending my time productively. As a result I've kick-started multiple things but ended up completing none. Partly because I lost someone who was so close to me recently.

Gladly, I brought my Ukulele with me when I came back from Mangalore. I love this instrument so much and buying it was one of the best decisions I had taken overnight. There is something so serene and pleasant about this Hawaian beauty called Makala. The sound from it clears the air and brings a joyful and liberated vibe. I still remember those days in the hostel when Sandy, Deepika, and I would all sit together in a room under the fairy lights, with windows opening to a glance of the starry sky with an uncertain moon and few buildings with their yellow lights creeping to the top. We would play music and end up lying on the carpet, staring at the ceiling and to the cosmos beyond, indulging in conversations about existential bummers.Now, It feels like all those happened a million years ago.

An old friend of paramount importance was my love for reading which I thought once upon a time as an unabating interest. I really wanted to restart it, so just like old times I downloaded Aldiko, a reading app and downloaded many books in Epub format. I wanted to complete reading "The small things are beautiful", which was abandoned a long time ago, in the midway of some irrelevant chaos.

I discovered some very talented musicians through youtube like Mxmtoon and Hozier (My friend Sandy has an exceptional taste in music and always introduces me to new ones). I listen to their music all the time now. What good is life without music! (Of course a rhetorical question). I left my art stuff back at the hostel and couldn't paint anything. I terribly miss it and feels strange because I have never spent so many free days without painting.

After watching La Casa De Papel, I fell in love with Spanish and started learning it through an app called memrise (Ahora puedo hablar un poco de espanol). I don't practice it consistently though. Nonetheless, the joy it brings is exceptional.

Speaking about Netflix, I have watched a plethora of movies and TV series during this lockdown. I watched a movie called Okja (2017 ) recently and it planted a radical change inside me. I have always felt a compassion and was very keen on all animals. I love watching documentaries on vivid habitats of our earth. I have always ended up fondly thinking about how phenomenal our planet is. It is breathtaking.

I have learned about the dreadful fate we bring upon those poor beings too like I have explained in a previous post reviewing the documentary called 'Racing Extinction'. It is something truly heart-sickening.

Picture downloaded from Newyork times review about Okja

Whatever I felt, It was actually hypocritical because I was a non-vegetarian. I devoured and savored animal flesh. I paid the slaughterers. As much as I loved animals, I was self-absorbed enough to continue being non-vegetarian thinking about the taste of cooked meat which lasts for a transient time and the quid pro quo for it was the precious life of an organism.
For the last couple of years I was thinking about accepting a vegan lifestyle or at least becoming a vegetarian. A few weeks ago, I was eating chicken and all of a sudden my mind started a figure-ground thought pattern of focusing on the taste of raw flesh in the cooked meat. I felt hesitant and got upset. It was the beginning of something.

 After watching Okja, I finally decided to be a vegetarian. Okja does not advocate veganism, but it stirred some strong emotions inside me. Okja is a beautiful, heart-rending movie. It portrays the brutal, unethical, and synthetic face of capitalism in associated with animal cruelty.
I listened to various talks by environmentalists like Ed winters. It changed my life because for once in my life, I was so certain that this is the greatest thing anyone can ever do for our planet. I will be a vegan when I am financially independent because I cannot force a lifestyle on my family. In contemporary India, Vegan products are not easily accessible as well.

This world is for all the species and nothing ever can morally justify buying animal products or eating them. The current pandemic was also a result of animal slaughter and large scale animal cruelty. Let the animals live freely, let's not breed them to murder.
There is a song from racing extinction called "Manta Ray" by J. Ralph & Anohni. It is so poignant as it's from the perspective of all other organisms in the world. You can all listen to it https://youtu.be/f1JiJhWkM9M. It got oscar-nominated for the best original song.
There are few lines that go like,

"Without my home
With no reflection
I cease to exist

And my children
Are dying now
Inside me
My children
Are dying now
Inside me
My children

All I love
All I know
All I've known

I am dying now
Inside me
My children
My children"

Listening to the line "My children" through the singer's voice, we can all feel a resonating ache that traveled to us from the greatest oceans, tropical forests, desserts, frozen lands, and from every other habitat.

Kindness, that is all it takes.

Downloaded from wallpaperaccess.com